Happy Birthday, Abigail

Fourteen years ago, at this exact moment, I was sleeping.  And still pregnant with my daughter, Abigail. 

Almost exactly fourteen years and 5 hours from now, my water was breaking.

Fourteen years and 11 hours from now, I was giving birth to Abigail Louise.  Five pounds, one ounce, head full of black hair.  Perfect little fingers.

Fourteen years and 13 hours from now, she died.

I can't believe it's been fourteen years.  How do you survive fourteen years without holding your child in your arms?

I've missed her every day for fourteen years.  My eldest, my firstborn, the child who made me a mother.

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Most days I'm fine.  Some people don't even know that I have a child who died.  Mother's Day is hard.  Her birthday is hard.  Some years not so much, but tonight I find myself unable to sleep, just missing her so much.

Hating the fact that I don't know her.  What would she look like?  What would her interests be?  Would she be tall and skinny like Eli & Maddie, or rounder, shall we say, like Patience?  What color were her eyes?  Would she be into sports?  Crafts?  Cooking?  Science?  What would her voice sound like?  Her laugh?

She would be in high school this year.  How is that possible?  I am not nearly old enough to be the mother of a high-schooler!  At least, I don't feel mature enough to be one.

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I've been so blessed.  I have three gorgeous, funny, brilliant, sweet children upstairs sleeping right now.  My husband is asleep in our room.  Just the fact that our marriage survived losing Abby is incredible.  Although........it's hard when you're at different places in the grieving process.  Maybe it's because I'm a woman, a mom, a little dramatic, ME, but I still have moments like this, and he doesn't.  At all.  In fact, I tried to go to bed earlier, but I was crying, and it woke him up.  I asked him if he missed Abigail, and he said not really.  That he's at a point where he just looks forward to seeing her in Heaven.

I can respect that, but....how can he not miss her?  I can still feel her little body in my arms, her little cheek against mine.  She was so tiny, and I wanted to hold her so tight against me, to not let go.  How do I stop missing her?  I've accepted that it happened, and I don't question why, and I'm not mad at God, but I still grieve what what I'm missing here on earth.  The relationship that I didn't get to have with her.  Hearing her call me 'Mommy', teaching her to walk, homeschooling her.....in two years, she'd be old enough to get her license!

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I have been incredibly blessed with friends who remember Abby's birthday every year.  They let me know they're thinking of me, and remembering her.  It means so much to me.

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I'm trying to count my blessings tonight.  To remember and see God's faithfulness in our lives.  But right now, just for this moment, I wish my girl were upstairs sleeping. 

Abby, I miss you so much, and I hope you know how much I love you.  Happy Birthday, baby girl. xoxo