Molly Bears

Oh, guys.

I just can't.

(Can't what? Feel all the feels? It "feels" like I'm living in a generation that doesn't know how to finish a sentence. What can't you do? Aughhh! For those of you who want to point out that "I just can't." IS actually a complete sentence, please know that I am aware of that. It doesn't make it make sense.)

But seriously. As many of my friends know, Steve and I lost our first daughter, Abigail, almost 19 years ago, just a couple of hours after she was born.

Last April, a friend, whose baby son was stillborn in 2012, posted a link on her Facebook page about Molly Bears. I had never heard of this organization, but decided to check them out. Molly Bears creates weighted teddy bears for families coping with the loss of an infant.

Molly Bears was created in 2010 by a bereaved mom who had received a weighted teddy bear from a friend and wanted to help others who were grieving. They have made over 5500 weighted bears for families who are missing their babies. There is a long, long wait list, and they only take new applications once per month. It costs only $20 to request a Molly Bear, but the average bear costs around $45 to be made. The organization relies on donations (they spend about $2000 on shipping alone each month!!).

I'm not going to lie, it felt a little weird to be an almost 40-year old buying a teddy bear. And a little weirder to be ordering a bear honoring a baby I lost almost two decades ago. But I instantly wanted one. I ordered my Abigail bear on 4/30/14.

In mid-August, I received an email from Molly Bears letting me know that they had reached my place in the queue, and I had to confirm Abigail's birthday/date of passing and weight. I was SO excited. The email let me know that they would be working to ship my bear to me around the end of September.

At the end of September, I went to the website and saw that my bear was still in the production stage. No worries. I actually kept forgetting that I had ordered it--I have a few other things going on. :) But last night, for whatever reason, I checked again. Still in production. Oh well. I didn't sleep all that well. I had a very strange dream about Abigail--not about her per se, but I was pregnant in the dream, and the doctor was telling me there was nothing they could do, but then I saw my medical file, and they were hiding things from me, and then there was a BABY, and I was trying to smuggle it out of the hospital--weird. And a teeny bit upsetting. Anyway...

Earlier this week, we placed an Amazon order. A certain strapping young man is turning 18 this Saturday. Gifts were purchased. Packages were expected.

When the mail came, it was a great mail day. A lovely thank-you card from a friend, the new Pampered Chef charm necklace that I earned, and a package of goat milk soap that I won from a blog raffle. And one more box. Which I assumed was from Amazon. Until I saw this on the side of the box:

Oh, man. I started crying while trying to explain to Steve what it was (I hadn't actually confessed to ordering myself a teddy bear prior to this). And then the box was open:

I'm not sure I can even explain how this feels. For almost 20 years, I've known exactly how much Abigail weighed: 5 lbs. 1 oz. For 19 years, I've been grocery shopping for my family, picking up sacks of flour, feeling what 5 lbs feels like. But this..........this is so different. It's so heavy. I don't remember her being so heavy! So...substantial. Our Abigail bear is even almost exactly as tall as Abigail was. This is so surreal. I haven't even been able to sit and just hold the bear--I don't want to upset my family by sobbing hysterically (and it really does feel a little silly to be holding a stuffed animal at my age).

So I think I'll just wait until the kids are in bed, and Steve goes to work (he started 3rd shift last week), and then sit with my Abigail bear and have a good cry. Of course it feels like a stuffed animal, and not like a baby, but there is just something to holding this bear that is exactly the same heft as my daughter. I so wish I could really give her a hug, and can't wait for the day that we're reunited in Heaven.

I will definitely be donating to Molly Bears in the future, and I hope that you'll consider doing so as well--especially if you have a friend or family member who has lost an infant and could be blessed by their ministry.